Hartley Miller's Slap Shots - December 19th
Friday, December 19, 2008 03:45 AM
Tis the season to be jolly and to celebrate! Once again, I have tracked down the main man in the North Pole. Yes, in just six more sleeps, Santa will make his arrival. Yippee! Let the festive season begin! Since I am Jolly Old St Nick’s favorite, Santa has granted me an interview, which I am more than happy to share with you:
HARTLEY: Hello Santa. You remember me. I'm the shy guy with no opinions on anything, calling from balmy Prince George, B.C. Hey, it’s been a year. Where has all the time gone?
Santa: Ho!! Ho!! Ho!! Nice to hear your voice! Did you say Prince George? I remember it's a hop, skip and a jump or should I say a quick sleigh ride from my cozy home in the North Pole. Have you been up to mischief again this year? I sure hope not.
HARTLEY: Come on big fella. I don't know the meaning of the word mischief. But this call isn't about me. I simply want a little sneak peak at what gifts you are planning to drop off to certain “teams” on the 25th?
Santa: Ho!! Ho!! Ho!! Always digging aren't you? Yes, I'm just wrapping the last of the presents as I speak.
HARTLEY: Santa, how about I will call out a name, and you tell me what they can expect under the tree?
Santa: Ho!! Ho!! Ho!! I have just finished another Nanaimo bar. Even Rudolph nods his
approval. Now you were saying you want me to tell you what goodies some folks can expect. I wouldn't do this for anybody else, but to get into the holiday spirit go ahead. I mean, why not?
approval. Now you were saying you want me to tell you what goodies some folks can expect. I wouldn't do this for anybody else, but to get into the holiday spirit go ahead. I mean, why not?
HARTLEY: Okay, let's start with the Vancouver Canucks?
Santa: Ho!! Ho!! Ho!! They can expect a statute of their new player Mats Sundin, holding the Stanley Cup. It may be the closest the Canucks ever get to the real trophy.
HARTLEY: Next on the list is the Prince George Cougars?
Santa: Ho!! Ho!! Ho!! Tickets, tickets and more tickets! In the good old days, people actually used to buy them.
HARTLEY: What's in the goodie bag for the PG Spruce Kings?
Santa: Ho!! Ho!! Ho!! Thank you cards they can personally deliver to their good buddies that allow them into the playoffs each year-the Quesnel Millionaires and the Merritt Centennials.
HARTLEY: Santa, do you have anything for the UNBC Timberwolves?
Santa: Ho!! Ho!! Ho!! A giant size basketball with the initials CIS highlighted. Maybe the folks at Canada West will get the hint?
HARTLEY: Let's not forget the BC Lions?
Santa: Ho!! Ho!! Ho!! A coupon book! Dollars are hard to come by in the CFL. Just ask Jason Clermont.
HARTLEY: The (PG) World Baseball Challenge organizers are looking for that special something.
Santa: Ho!! Ho!! Ho!! A blown up Jose Canseco doll that converts to a dart board with a message written on the box that states: “Kids stay off the juice or your life will be as messed up as mine is.”
HARTLEY: The organizing committee of the 2010 Vancouver Olympics needs a boost.
Santa: Ho!! Ho!! Ho!! Beds and blankets! After all, the homeless protesters need to be taken care of.
HARTLEY: Do you have anything for those nice old folks at Opinion 250?
Santa: Ho!! Ho!! Ho!! Ben and Elaine really have everything, but they could use the best of Colin Kinsley video, to remind them of all the good times they shared when he was mayor.
HARTLEY: Speaking of politics, what about PG City Council?
Santa: Ho!! Ho!! Ho!! In honor of the new mayor, a waffle iron. You know, Dan and his new team must get the point that decisions need to be made.
HARTLEY: Conservative MP's, including Dick Harris and Jay Hill, don't want to be left out in the cold.
Santa: Ho!! Ho!! Ho!! They will be receiving a great big mug with the words “Coalition Rocks” written on it.
HARTLEY: Well, Santa. You have a great sense of humour as always with your tongue stuck in your cheek. Say Hi to Rudy, Dixon, Blixon, Nixon, Hixon and the rest of the gang. Hope you can fit down my chimney on Thursday. See you then.
Santa: Ho!! Ho!! Ho!! Yes, Santa gets the last word. I just want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas, and a safe, happy, holiday season.
From the Quote Rack:
“A teacher in England has been fired after she told a class of 7-year-olds there was no Santa Claus, which, ironically, is the same thing Congress told the automakers.”
NBC's Jay Leno
“Here’s an odd story: A 70-year-old woman gave birth. So, congratulations to Madonna and A-Rod.”
David Letterman of CBS
“On New Years Day, the Chicago Blackhawks will play the Detroit Red Wings at Wrigley Field.
About 40,000 NHL fans are expected to watch the game. I can’t wait to see if Steve Bartman reaches out and grabs a puck in play.”
Comedy writer Jerry Perishohttp://monologuewriter.blogspot.com/
About 40,000 NHL fans are expected to watch the game. I can’t wait to see if Steve Bartman reaches out and grabs a puck in play.”
Comedy writer Jerry Perishohttp://monologuewriter.blogspot.com/
“Golfer John Daly smashed a fan's camera into a tree when he tried to take his picture. Apparently the man complained the camera's lens was nowhere near wide enough to get all of Daly in the shot.”Comedy writer Jim Barach of WCHS-TV in Charleston, W.Va (http://jokesbyjim.blogspot.com/)
“Would John (Daly) have been able to control his temper if the spectator had been Maria Sharapova, armed with her Canon Sure Shot?”Dan Daly of the Washington Times
“John Daly smashed a spectator's camera into a tree at the Australian Open. Boy, those promotional people at 'Hooter's' will try anything.”Contributor Bill Littlejohn of South Lake Tahoe, California
“Penn St. has given Joe Paterno, 81, a three-year extension. Is that Earth years or (planet) Mercury years?”Bill Littlejohn
“With so many games, including the BCS, fans don't really seem to get college football bowl tradition anymore. In fact, in a poll of those planning to watch the Rose Bowl between Penn State and USC, most thought "the grandaddy of them all" referred to Joe Paterno.”Contributor Janice Hough of Palo Alto, California (www.leftcoastsportsbabe.com)
“Florida quarterback Tim Tebow failed to win a second Heisman, despite having the most first place votes. On a brighter note, he did receive a congratulatory phone call from Al Gore.”Janice Hough
“Dallas Cowboy owner Jerry Jones questioned the toughness of his star running back Marion Barber after he missed a game due to a broken pinkie toe. Jones later retracted his comments saying he thought Barber was so tough he could shoot himself and still play. A spokesman for Plaxico Burris replied “It’s tougher than you think.””Contributor Derek Wilken of Calgary (http://smacksport.blogspot.com/)
“I've got a college team right now, and I'm coaching it.”Kansas City Chiefs coach Herm Edwards, on whether he is a candidate to coach his alma mater, San Diego State.
“O.J. Simpson was sentenced to up to 33 years in prison for his role in a sports memorabilia robbery. Afterwards, O.J. said, ‘Let that be a lesson to all you kids out there: stick to double murder.’”NBC's Conan O’Brien
And in case you missed it:
--An Iraqi journalist threw his shoes at the head of President Bush during a news conference in Baghdad. The reporter said he wanted Americans to know what it feels like to have the shoe on the other foot.
Hartley Miller is the sports director for radio stations 94X and the Wolf@97fm. He also writes for the PG Free Press. Send along a quote, note or anecdote to hmiller@94xfm.com
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