Hartley Miller`s Slap-Shots December 29th Edition

Friday, December 29, 2006 03:45 AM

Good Evening! My name is "Herman Munster" and I am proud to be the Master of Ceremonies for the 2nd Annual "Hartley Awards". It’s great to see everyone here, dressed in your black ties, your white shoes and your orange hats. Next year, the ceremony will require all those in attendance to wear pink pants and a flamingo shirt.

Now, on to this year’s event! During our presentation, food will be available for "97" dollars a plate, "94" if you have fangs. There is also a one time surcharge of "250" but "free" to the "press".
We are here tonight to honor the "finest" achievement in the sports world in 2006. To earn a Hartley Award, one must have achieved a "di-STINK-tion" which stands out above all.

I now call upon the very elegant Roseanne Barr to sing the national anthem……Thanks
Rosey……And now the moment that you have all been waiting for, the trophy presentations:

Thin Ice Award: And the winner is…The City of Prince George! Thanks to unsafe ice conditions at the CN Centre, The Everett Silvertips and the PG Cougars never played the 3rd period of their WHL regular season game on Oct 28th. Accepting the award is the one and only, Director of Leisure Services, Tom Madden.

Quick trigger Award: A very close vote. And the winner is...Make it 2 for 2---The City of Prince George, who two days after "Ice Gate" dismissed CN Centre Manager, Phil Beaulieu, and CN Centre and Community Arenas Manager, Diane Rogers. The City narrowly edged out the PG Cougars, who fired coach Mike Vandekamp and his Assistant Stewart Malgunas just 15 games into the WHL season. Again we call upon Tom Madden to proudly step forward and accept the award.

What time is it award: And the winner is.....A tie between the PG Cougars and the PG Spruce Kings who moved their starting time from 7:30 to 7pm. This trophy will be held in limbo and not given out until one of these teams acknowledges our sponsor, the Seven-Eleven Food Franchise, and moves it starting time back a few minutes to 7:11.

Longest losing streak award: And the winner is... the CNC Kodiaks Mens’ Volleyball team. You have to give these guys credit because they have good intentions, they always show up, and they have mastered the art of shaking hands after a game. The Men Kodiaks did not win one match all year, so their record will be hard to top. Accepting the award is one of the good guys in sports, someone who reluctantly accepted the head coaching job in the first place, Glenn Wong.The "I" quit award: And the landslide winner is......Goalie Dustin Slade of the Vancouver Giants, who packed his bags (because he didn’t want to share the position) and left the defending WHL champions with no where to go.

Time to take a break- we have reached our seven day intermission. The only bad news is that you will have to wait until next week to find out the remaining winners.

In the meantime,

HAVE A HAPPY, AND SAFE NEW YEAR!!!

From the quote rack: (A look back to some of the best and worst of what was said in 2006)

"Chris Carpenter’s picture will be on a commemorative Wheaties cereal box honouring the World Series-champion St. Louis Cardinals. Series MVP David Eckstein will appear on Mini-Wheats".
Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon StarPhoenix
"Pedro Martinez is saying that if his shoulder doesn’t get better, he might retire. And if it gets really bad, he’ll become a Cub."
Steve Rosenbloom of the Chicago Tribune

"Malkin in the Middle."
Toronto comedian Frenchie McFarlane, (www.frenchiemcfarlane.bravehost.com) on the battle for Evgeni Malkin between the Pittsburgh Penguins and his Russian team.

"Former Northern Colorado back-up punter Mitchell Cozad had been charged with attempted murder in the stabbing of starter Rafael Mendoza. Apparently, the DA felt that Mitchell was going for the Coffin Corner."
Contributor Bill Littlejohn of South Lake Tahoe, California

"Good thing, the police were getting exhausted.’’
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, on the start of the NFL season.

"The Bengals have added the plea-flicker to their playbook."
Randy Hill of Foxsports.com, following the arrest of several Cincinnati football players in 2006.

"There was a bomb scare at Augusta Regional Airport after the Masters, but it turned out not to be a bomb. Apparently somebody found David Duval’s scorecard.’’
Michael Ventre of MSNBC. com

"Mariners pitcher J.J. Putz."
Jack Finarelli of sportscurmudgeon.com, on a complement to the U.S. Golf Association’s executive committee president, Walter Driver.

And in case you missed it:

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife’s seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied, "I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn’t give the ticket to a friend or a relative?" The man replied, "They’re all at the funeral."