Hartley Miller's Slapshots - January 4th, 2008

By Hartley Miller

Guaranteed to happen in 2008?

Yes, its time to take out my crystal ball.  Although the chances are high that I will be right on the money, you may not want to bet a year's worth of wages on the following:

WHL:  The Prince George Cougars will miss the playoffs, but will declare the season a success because they are “headed in the right direction”. In celebration of another long summer, the team will hold a golf tournament for all players and prospects. To make the 18 hole event more interesting, and to upgrade one of their specialty teams, the Cats will announce that the top five (low gross) golfers, will form the team’s penalty kill unit in the fall.

BCHL:  The Prince George Spruce Kings will barely qualify for the playoffs, but as usual, they will make a quick and quiet exit.  In an effort to finally attract a mature crowd, the Kings will announce an exciting promotion for 08/09; the great grandparents special. For every season ticket purchased, get another for free for all your great grandmas and grandpas over the age of 80. As a bonus, all great grandparents will be invited down to ice level for a “shoot to win” between the second and third period
of a selected game.

NHL:  The Vancouver Canucks will lose to San Jose in overtime in game seven of the first round of the playoffs. The Canucks will cry foul saying that Roberto Luongo’s private restroom was ransacked, which prevented him from returning to the ice for the deciding goal in OT.

College Volleyball:   The CNC Kodiaks Women’s Volleyball team will finally get a win. A member of the team will be overheard saying, “Darn it, secretly we were hoping to break the men’s (CNC volleyball) record of more than two seasons without a W.”

College Basketball: The UNBC Timberwolves will qualify for the BCCAA Basketball Provincials at the Charles Jago Northern Sports Centre. However, neither the men, nor the lady T-Wolves will capture the BC title.  Afterwards, one of the print media types will suggest that the Timberwolves may have won if the tournament had been held at CNC.

Junior Baseball:  The PG Grays will win the BC Junior Baseball League Championship because their only competition, the Kelowna Jays, will forfeit the games citing several excuses as to why they can’t travel up north for a provincial play-down.

World Baseball:  The minute by minute countdown to the 2009 World Baseball Challenge in Prince George will continue and in an effort to allow all participants to be on a level playing field, organizers will hold a news conference announcing that the tournament will feature the best steroid users not in the majors.

Soccer:  In an effort to not embarrass the sponsors, The North Cariboo Senior Soccer League will report accurate scores of the games to the media, but will withhold the team names.

Lacrosse:  The Devils will repeat as PG Senior Lacrosse champions, but instead of going unbeaten they will lose one game, by forfeit. Outgoing commissioner Glen “Moose” Scott will proudly declare that parity in the league has finally arrived.

Senior Games:  The BC Senior Games will be the best ever in Prince George, although Ben Meisner, in his One Man’s Opinion column, will complain that he was slighted because there wasn’t an age category old enough for him to compete in.

From the quote rack:

“Roger Clemens plans to deny his steroid allegations in an interview on '60 Minutes'. The program will reportedly bulk up to 90 minutes for this."Contributor Bill Littlejohn of South Lake Tahoe, California

“Kobe Bryant was the fastest NBA player to reach 20,000 points and the first one to do it without acknowledging any teammate had a hand in the feat. Kobe was so happy he bought his wife some jewelry for no particular reason.”Contributor Derek Wilken of Calgary (http://smacksport.blogspot.com/)

“So Kobe Bryant has now scored 20,000 points.  Amazing, that probably includes almost a dozen assists.”Comedy writer Janice Hough (www.leftcoastsportsbabe.com) of Palo Alto, California.

“It was a little embarrassing when Jessica put on a Romo No. 9 jersey, looked down at it, and said, 'So why am I wearing No. 6?' "  Comedian Alex Kaseberg, on Jessica Simpson watching her boyfriend, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo, lose to the Philadelphia Eagles.

“A Grizzlies fan, 35-year-old Stephanie Simpson, was arrested at a recent game after she exposed her breasts while the JumboTron video camera was focused on her. Terrell Owens immediately blamed Simpson for trying to distract Tony Romo.”Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon Star Phoenix

And in case you missed it:

“I didn't believe it at first. Thought it was just one of those 'he said, she said' things”Greg Cote of the Miami Herald, after German pole-vaulter Yvonne Buschbaum announced that she plans to undergo a sex-change operation.

And how was your week?

Hartley Miller is the sports director for radio stations 94X and the Wolf@97fm. He also writes for the PG Free Press. Send along a quote, note or anecdote to hmiller@94xfm.com

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