Hartley Miller's Slap Shots, Friday September 26th

Friday, September 26, 2008 03:45 AM

Mayor Hartley Miller! I must admit, this has a nice ring to it.

As the election approaches I continue to ponder the possibility of accepting a nomination to run for office; but I will need a strong “behind the scenes” team that is effective and efficient. You know, I require individuals with a wide spectrum of life experiences. So, in order to run, I will ask the following characters (in alphabetical order so as to not offend anyone) to step forward and join my campaign team:

Brandi Brodsky (PG Cougars Business Manager extraordinaire): She will be my Sarah Palin, the pit-bull with lipstick. Brandi possesses a natural business savvy, a tenacious attitude, and is a promotions guru with a deadly smile. It is always nice to add a feminine touch, and I am sure she can assist with crowd control.

Ed Dempsey (PG Spruce Kings coach with the terrorizing approach): Ed may be yesterday’s man, but he is a master motivator. When he speaks, all are forced to listen, even if they are wearing earplugs. Ed will be our designated YELLER and has full authority to scream at the top of his lungs, especially to those who slack off and aren’t pulling their weight. Yes, Ed’s forte, fear factor, will be a great assistance in my campaign.

Colin Kinsley (Outgoing PG Mayor, advocate for the “little” people): Colin, a Stephen Harper wanna bee, will offer words of wisdom on making unpopular decisions, raising taxes and leaving potholes throughout the city. There’s nothing like having someone on my team that has been through the trenches.

Stewart Malgunas (Ex PG Spruce Kings Associate Coach and not proud of it): Stew, an aspiring head coach, would be the perfect guy for the position of campaign manager, especially since he has first-hand knowledge of knowing what it is like to be a number two guy, that wants to be number one, without anyone listening.

Alistair Mcinnis (PG Free Press “baby face” Sports Editor): Alistair will appeal to the youth. Now that McInnis has proven he can “cycle”, his awareness of being able to pedal backwards could prove beneficial. He may not have the star power of the others, but he may be our diamond in the rough.

Ben Meisner (Talk show host in search of an audience): Ben is only man in B.C. old enough to be John McCain's daddy. How much more experience does my team need? He will definitely hold the opponents "feet to the fire".

Bryan Mix (School District 57 treasurer, also known as Scrooge): Every well-run campaign needs a stingy, tough guy “bean counter” that will keep costs in line. Just look at his scars; this guy has faced many battles, even prior to his days as a founder of the defunct Rocky Mountain Junior Hockey League. Bryan will help cut corners, and will get things for nothing, and even turn the lights off, if necessary.

Drew Schoneck (Head coach of the streaking PG Cougars): Jobs will be a focal point of the campaign and that is where “Nice Guy” Drew fits. Since his employment comes with no job security and is in a lame duck situation himself, he can speak with authority on the importance of getting guarantees from employers.

Dallas Thompson (GM of the #8 ranked and still unbeaten PG Cougars): Dallas is good "family" man. He knows how to work with his wife; he has also learned how to handle the in laws. This is a rare and important skill, indeed. Since my campaign will be based on family values, who is better qualified to address this issue?

In a nutshell, I have charted my proposed aforementioned outstanding team of nine, just enough members to secure everyone a permanent position on a “ball” team. With these egos involved, none would accept a position on the bench. There will be no time to waste for this group; if they are all ready to jump on my bandwagon, hand out pamphlets, work behind the scenes and rally the troops then I may be ready to get the buttons printed and the signs on their lawn.

Remember, when going to the polls, think magnificent, think marvellous, and even think “mystery”. On voting day think about Miller for Mayor.

I’m Hartley Miller and I approve this message.

From the quote rack:

“Boo Weekley. It sounds like a (Detroit) Lions fan, doesn't it?”

Steve Schrader of the Detroit Free Press, on his favorite golfer that participated in the Ryder Cup.

“Thirty per cent of men say sex is better after their favourite football team wins. One hundred per cent of women say sex is better when their husbands are at a football game.”

Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon Star Phoenix

“Redskins tight end Chris Cooley apologized for posting to his Web site a nude photo of himself studying his scouting report at his locker that revealed a little too much. Or as it's better known in football circles, a breakdown in coverage.” Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times

“Both Yankee Stadium and Shea Stadium will be demolished piece by piece, as New York law prohibits large scale implosions. Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell the Mets bullpen.”

“Whats the difference between Yankee Stadium and John McCain? One is an out-of-date historical relic now being honored for past glories. The other is a baseball stadium.” Contributor Janice Hough of Palo Alto, California (www.leftcoastsportsbabe.com)

“In the final days of Yankee Stadium, security measures were put in place to keep fans from walking off with "souvenirs". Stadium officials wanted to make sure the only theft at the stadium was by the vendors.”

Comedy writer Jim Barach of WCHS-TV in Charleston, W.Va (http://jokesbyjim.blogspot.com/)

“The Federal Trade Commission has issued a warning about cancer 'snake oils'. But, so far, the Dodgers are very satisfied with Manny Ramirez.” Contributor Bill Littlejohn of South Lake Tahoe, California

“There's a report that Fidel Castro bedded over 35,000 women, surpassing Wilt Chamberlain's claim of 20,000. Hah! Apparently, no Cuban Missile Crisis here.” Bill Littlejohn

“Sean Avery was offered a TV sit com after he aced the screen test. Avery says the show will be a romantic comedy with a tentative plot revolving around him falling in love with his press clippings.” Contributor Derek Wilken of Calgary (http://smacksport.blogspot.com/)

And in case you missed it:

The world's oldest man has celebrated his 113^th birthday. His secret to longevity: playing defence for the Detroit Red Wings.

Ex Maple Leaf Kyle Wellwood of the Vancouver Canucks has failed a physical. In his defence, Wellwood says he is watching his weight daily as in “John Daly”.

And as a pre-election special I offer the following from the wonderful world of politics.

Barack Obama attended a fundraising dinner that featured Barbra Streisand singing. Each plate was $28,500 or as John McCain said, just a mortgage payment.

When questioned about somebody hacking into Sarah Palin's e-mail account John McCain said, “what's an e-mail”?

According to a recent study, social isolation can actually make a person feel cold. After all, Sarah Palin is from Alaska.

There's word that John McCain owns 13 cars, all of them Studebakers.

Stephane Dion says that BC will not have to double up on carbon tax. Voters in the province responded by saying, “who is Stephane Dion”?

Hartley Miller is the sports director for radio stations 94X and the Wolf@97fm. He also writes for the PG Free Press. Send along a quote, note or anecdote to hmiller@94xfm.com

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