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Hartley Miller's Slap Shots - January 6th Edition

By 250 News

It’s taken seven days, but to the chagrin of many, I AM BACK. Last week, you were introduced to a special presentation of 94X, the Wolf@97fm, and Opinion250. Yes, indeed, you were introduced to The Hartleys. To be eligible for this honor, winners must be “di-STINK-tive”, and have accomplished above and beyond others, in the year 2005.

Today, the rest of the worst:
? MOST POWERLESS COMMISSION IN SPORTS: These three individuals had their faces slapped by PG City Council, and to show their integrity, they didn’t even fight back. And the winner is: The PG Athletic Commission. Congratulations to this group for taking several shots to the chin after they approved the Hockey Enforcers card in August. Accepting the award are all three members including: George “A Man of All Seasons” Winter, Harold “The Hall of Fame Doesn’t Treat Me Like This” Mann, and Eric “no I’m not the Cougar” Hunter. 

? MOST FLIP FLOPS ON ONE ISSUE: They will be honored for their handling, or shall I say, “mishandling” of the Enforcers issue. And the Winner is: PG City Council. Accepting the award is Mayor Colin “Don’t Confuse Me With Those Mind Changing Councilors” Kinsley. 

? LEAGUE WITH THE MOST LOPSIDED SERIES: In a four game final sweep, the champions outscored the runner-ups 83-28. And the winner is: PG Senior Men’s Lacrosse. This series was actually an improvement from its forfeited final of 2004. However, The Panago Assault may disagree as they were steamrolled by the Steamers Pub Devils in the championship series. Accepting the award is PGSML Treasurer, Ron “I don’t Ride On Glen “Moose” Scott’s Coat-Tails”, Edgar. 

? LEAGUE WITH THE MOST LOPSIDED SCORE: When a ball game ends 71-5, you must be doing something right. Right? And the winner is: PG Mixed 6 and 4. Accepting the award on behalf of the losing JV Logging team is The Unknown Comic (who doesn’t want to be identified). 

? NATIONALS WITH THE MOST EMBARRASSING RESULTS: And the winner is: The Canadian Senior Men’s Fastball Championship in St Thomas, Ontario. The Eastmain Fireballs of Quebec went 0-8, and were outscored 81-4, including a 12-0 skunking at the hands of the Prince George Black Bears. Accepting the award is once again The Unknown Comic
(who vows not to let Eastmain participate in the 2006 Nationals to be held in PG) 

? BIGGEST JECKL AND HYDE PERFORMANCE BY AN “AMATEUR” TEAM: This team finished in last place, with a dismal 4-20 record in the B.C. Junior Baseball Association, yet ended up 13-5 in the higher caliber PWB Senior Baseball League. And the Winner is: The PG Grays Baseball Team. Accepting the award, Manager Rob “I Wish I had Some Answers” Haviland. 

? BATHROOM READING: I'm not sure it was possible for this book to live up to the hype, but it may have made The Biffy a tad more enjoyable. And the winner is “You Don't Say”. Accepting the award: Compiler Hartley “My New Year's Resolution Is To Be Nice to Everyone” Miller. 

There you have it, the much anticipated Hartleys. Official induction ceremonies will take place on February 30th. See you then!!

From the quote rack: (a look back to some of the best and worst of what was said in 2005)

• "You can expect Kournikova to be eliminated in either the first or second round of the conversation." Mike Downey of the Chicago Tribune, on what the Nielsen Ratings might look like after it was announced that former tennis player Anna Kournikova would fill in as a co-host on ABC's "The View" while Elisabeth Hasselbeck takes a maternity leave.

• "This means Phil Mickelson may no longer have the largest breasts on the course." Drew Curtis of fark.com, following the announcement that women would be eligible to play in the British Open golf championship.

• “The cheerleaders were clearly confused. They must have thought it was their team's bi week”. Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon Star Phoenix, after a couple of Carolina Panthers cheerleaders were charged with disorderly conduct in the aftermath of alleged sexual activities in the women's washroom at a Tampa bar.

• "You know you're going bad when your deodorant lets you down.". Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, after Jason Giambi of the New York Yankees lost his endorsement deals with Nike, Pepsi and Arm & Hammer deodorant.

• "He not only received the National League MVP and Silver Slugger trophies, he also picked up his BALCO customer of the month award”. Jim Armstrong of the Denver Post, on the San Francisco Giants giving Barry Bonds an opening-day ceremony.
• "Congratulations to the Hawaiian Little League Team on winning the Little League World Series. They won a thriller yesterday over the Kansas City Royals." Late Show host David Letterman.

• "Doctors liken Shaq's thigh bruise to what might happen if he hit his leg twice with a sledgehammer, or once with one of his free throws." Bill Scheft of Sports Illustrated, on a Shaquille O'Neal injury that kept him out of a couple of playoff games.

• "All I know is that the NBA doesn't lower the hoop for the short guys”. IRL driver and Indy 500 fourth place finisher, Danica Patrick, after hearing complaints that her car has an unfair advantage because she only weighs 105 pounds.

• "No word yet on what they've ordered for Day 2”. Randy Turner of the Winnipeg Free Press, after the Edmonton Sun reported that the Brier Patch and Purple Heart bars stocked up for the Canadian men's curling championship in Edmonton with 168,000 bottles of beer, 6,000 coolers, 2,400 bottles of wine and 2,500 forty-ounce bottles of liquor.

• "What has 4,000 legs and 114 teeth? The audience at the inaugural Hockey Enforcers mouth-breaking festival in Prince George”. Rob Vanstone, in the Regina Leader-Post.

And, how was your year?

--Hartley Miller is the sports director for radio stations 94X and the Wolf@97FM. He also writes for the PG Free Press, and is author of You Don't Say (Andrews-McMeel, 2005).

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