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Hartley Miller's Slap Shots - January 20th Edition

By Hartley Miller

On Monday, January 23, 2006, Canada will go through yet another Federal Election (yawn). It may appear strange, but I have noticed a parallel between sports, and political events, such as elections. Therefore, here is my tongue in cheek effort in showing the similarities between the two topics.

THE BIG RACE

So, sports fans, there's no need to wait for the election results next week because it's time to “track” things down, and put the candidates on the starting blocks at the Masich Place Stadium.

Caribou-Prince George:
IN LANE ONE, Dick “I can be slick” Harris of the Conservative Party.
IN LANE TWO, Simon “Who”! No, Simon “Yu-who”! How about Simon “says” Yu of the Liberals? 
IN LANE THREE, Alfred “Don't call me Pierre” Trudeau of the NDP.
IN LANE FOUR, its five parties rolled into one known as “Mr. Fringe”.

Contestants! On your mark! Get set. Go! And they're off! “I can be slick” jumps out to the lead. “Yu-who” is still wondering who is calling and trails badly in second place. “Don't call me Pierre” is a distant third and “Mr. Fringe” continues to stare into space wondering why he's in this race. And down the stretch they come! “I can be slick”, waving to the crowd, crosses the line first followed by “Yu-who”, “Don't call me Pierre” and somewhere way behind on this fine sunny day is “Mr. Fringe”.

Prince George-Peace River:
IN LANE ONE, Jay “Over the” Hill of the Conservatives!
IN LANE TWO, Nathan “Have you heard of me” Bauder of the Liberals.
IN LANE THREE, the one and only, Malcolm “Davey” Crockett, representing the NDP.
IN LANE FOUR, it's “Ms. Fringe” representing the Greens and Independent.

Contestants! On your mark! Get set. Go! And they're off! “Over the” jumps out to a gigantic lead! “Have you heard of me” needs a telescope to see how far back he is. “Davey” is more interested in hunting down a bear, and “Ms. Fringe” has been stumbling from the outset. And down the stretch they come! “Over the” wins in a landslide, almost by default, “Have you heard of me” settles for a sorry second. “Davey” is third (but first in rounding up wilderness) and “Ms. Fringe” is proud just to have competed.

The Big Three:
IN LANE ONE, Stephen “You can trust me now” Harper of the Conservatives.
IN LANE TWO, Paul “I'm losing power” Martin of the Liberals.
IN LANE THREE, Jack “In Cahoots” Layton of the NDP.

Contestants! On your mark! Get set! Go! And they're off! “I'm losing power” has the early lead, but stumbles on a sponsorship sign. “You can trust me now” puts on a fake smile as he takes the lead, and “In Cahoots” lavishes in the basement still wondering who he is going to support next. And down the stretch they come! “You can trust me now”, on the virtue of a huge gaffe from his closest challenger, takes top spot. “I'm losing power” settles for second, but vows to continue another day, and “In Cahoots” winds up third, but is ready to make a deal. 

So, there you have it. 

According to the “The Big Race” results, which are accurate 19 out of 20 times, Canadians will be going Conservative.

From the quote rack:

• "They say two things happen when you get older. One is you begin to forget things. And I can't remember what the other thing is right now." Marv Levy, to the Associated Press, on becoming the Buffalo Bills general manager at age 80.
• "I'm sure if you ask Yogi about being an octogenarian, he will tell you he's probably too old to try it." Mike Downey of the Chicago Tribune, after Yogi Berra turned 80.
• "It can be therapeutic." New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez, giving his best Yogi Berra impression to ESPN, on the upside of undergoing therapy.
• "Yeah, I'm kind of upset about that. Me, being one of the better players in America, separate from the NBA; I want to play for the United States team in the Olympics. I'm an American. I might not be a class act, but I'm an American." Ron Artest of the Indiana Pacers, on Fox’s Best Damn Sports Show Period, when questioned about not being named to the 2008 U.S. Olympic basketball team.
• “No guts, no glory.” Steve Rushin of Sports Illustrated, on New Zealander Peter Bethune’s attempt to set a round-the-world speed record in a boat fueled by the fat deposits of liposuction patients.


And, how was your week?

--Hartley Miller is the sports director for radio stations 94X and the Wolf@97FM. He also writes for the PG Free Press.

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