Hartley Miller's Slap Shots - January 7th, 2011
With my first column of the New Year I will assume the role of a gypsy and utilize my crystal ball. To this end, I present 10 sports stories that will make headlines in 2011:
Maple Leafs declare success: The Toronto Maple Leafs improve from 29th in
2009-10 to 27th this season. In his year end address, GM Brian Burke states the team has shown improvement, is headed in the right direction, and he really likes the building blocks for the future. Just to be clear, yes, he would make the Phil Kessel trade again.
Schneider to the rescue: The Vancouver Canucks, backstopped by Cory Schneider, become Western Conference champions, but lose in the Stanley Cup final to the Washington Capitals. Roberto Luongo tells friends, via twitter, that had he been in goal, the Canucks would be preparing for their first Stanley Cup victory parade.
New promotion for the Spruce Kings: As appreciation to their fans, the Prince George Spruce Kings announce all season ticket holders will be admitted free to their first home playoff game. The offer sounds great until some wise guy makes a crack that the team won’t have any playoff dates.
Cougars gain credibility: Although they finish 4th in the WHL Western Conference, the P.G. Cougars actually win the B.C. Division for their first pennant. Team management tells all naysayers that their 17 year plan is right on target
. World Baseball Challenge thriller: Cuba shades the Bahamas 51-0 in the opener of the WBC in Prince George. The Bahamas team manager states it would have been a much more competitive game had their top two players not decided to remain in their home country.
Yes from the CIS: The CIS finally accepts the UNBC Men’s and Women’s basketball teams into the Canada West Conference provided they pay all travel costs for visiting teams or only play road games. Canada West will allow the Timberwolves to pick their option.
Holyfield gets an earful: 48-year old four-time heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield will have both ears intact after beating 38-year old Sherman "Tank" Williams in southeastern West Virginia. Following the bout, 61-year old P.G. Sports Hall of Famer and Spruce Capital Boxing Coach, Wayne Sponagle, will announce he wants to come out of retirement for a one round winner takes all against 57-year old Inner City Boxing Coach Bob Pegues, in a real battle of the ages.
Anthony gets more air time than Lebron: Carmelo Anthony goes on ESPN for a two hour special July 7th and announces he is taking his talents to Broadway to play for the Knicks. Denver Nuggets owner Stan Kroenke takes out a full page ad in the Denver Post to tell Nuggets fans in an open letter they simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal. In the meantime, he will make one statement: “I personally guarantee that the Denver Nuggets will win an NBA Championship before ‘Melo’ wins one. You can take it to the bank.
CFL players to get red carpet treatment: The NFL won’t be the only football league with a new CBA. As part of an agreement between the CFL and its players union, the league will announce that all players will have their meal stipends increased from five to ten dollars. As an added bonus, all veterans will be given Denny’s Grand Slam breakfast coupons (two for every year of service).
Tiger roars again: Tiger Woods will continue to stumble on the links but not necessarily elsewhere. Tiger will be seen by the paparazzi with Jenn Sterger, much to the chagrin of Brett Favre.
Do my predictions come with guarantees? Not really, but I am confident enough to suggest one can go all out and put a penny on the line before it becomes extinct.
From the Quote Rack:
Aussie actor Hugh Jackman needed a time out after getting hit in the groin by a pitch during an Australian cricket match. That's the news from Down Under.
Two 84-year-olds made headlines to end 2010. Joe Paterno says he plans to coach the Nittany Lions again next season and Hugh Hefner got engaged to 24-year-old Crystal Harris, December 2009's Playmate. It's a wonder how they both keep it up.
Joe Paterno, 84, says he intends to keep recruiting at Penn State, which means he will be talking to high school students who will be seniors when he turns 90. Joe has, however, adapted with the times. While he's not big on the internet he no longer sends out scholarships by Pony Express.
Wonder now that it looks like Brett Favre might actually finally be retiring if anyone will make a movie about his NFL career. They would need to choose a title though, as "The Long Goodbye" is already taken.
Contributor Janice Hough of Palo Alto, California (www.leftcoastsportsbabe.com)
The NFL fined Brett Favre $50,000 for “failure to cooperate” in its investigation of claims he texted photos of his penis. That is roughly $25,000 per inch.
Comedy writer Jerry Perisho http://monologuewriter.blogspot.com/
Well, the book of 2010 celebrity deaths has just about been written. There was Manute Bol. Then Gary Coleman. And that's the long and the short of it. Comedy writer Marc Ragovin of New York
LeBron James compares his Miami Heat to the Beatles.Yes, and Cavs fans compare him to Yoko Ono.
Loredana Jolie, former mistress of Tiger Woods, has opened a new spa and calls it Tigress. Shouldn't she call it Bimbress?
Contributor Bill Littlejohn of South Lake Tahoe, California
EA Sports is updating the gaming platform for Tiger Woods 12 by inserting a hole from Augusta National and a Ho from Hooters International.A town in Arkansas is trying to figure out why thousands of birds fell from the sky on New Year’s Day. Scientists are baffled saying the only similar phenomenon they have seen is Canadian Leafs dropping like flies in January. Contributor Derek Wilken of Calgary (http://smacksport.blogspot.com/)And in case you missed it:
Just wondering: If a Maple Leafs fan gets banned from the Air Canada Centre for throwing waffles onto the ice, does that make him an Eggomaniac?Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/sidelinechatter/
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