Hartley Miller's Slap-Shots July 28th Edition

By Hartley Miller

I have quickly discovered that a theatre production like “Hello Dolly” is very much like a football team.

Both have a roster in excess of 40, a few key stars, a massive coaching staff, senior management and behind the scenes personnel, who's job it is to make the team tick.

Yes, entertainment is entertainment!

As a rookie, I have a cameo on stage role in Hello Dolly (as the judge) and during the rest of the show try to assist, or at least get out of the way, of the stage hands that perform their magic.

I have nicknamed this football team the Yonkers Yeomen.

Here's my assessment of the key positions and the football personnel they remind me of.

Coach, GM, Director of Operations and Co-Owner:
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Judy Russel. Judy is the Bill Cowher (Pittsburgh Steelers) of the team. Will do anything to win. Nothing less than a Super Bowl will do. Has no problem stepping on your toes if you're not competing every day (No wonder my tender tootsies ache consistently).

Team President, Executive Director and Co-Owner:
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Bill Russell. Defines the meaning of  “Hands On Owner”. The Dallas Cowboys may have Jerry Jones,  but he is tame compared to “Sir” Russell.

Defensive Coordinator:
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Robin Norman. The Music Director is the key aide to the coach and if you miss an assignment, practice will be two hours early the next day. The Dave Ritchie (BC Lions) of the team supervises extra laps in 33 degree heat and won't let up until mountains of sweat comes pouring down from all parts of your bruised body.

Offensive Coordinator:
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Bunny Murray. The title of Assistant to Director is misleading since she is a lot more than just an assistant. Tons of experience, liked by the players, but a perfectionist right down to every move. Just call her Joe Paopao (Hamilton Tiger Cats).

Quarterback:
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Sandra Clermont. Dolly herself, Yes, quite a matchmaker, making sure the linemen are “in tune” with the receivers and running backs. The Ricky Ray (Edmonton Eskimos) of the team.

Running Backs:
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Mark Ryan, Oliver Dunbar and Rebecca Lear, known as Horace Vandergelder, Ambrose Kemper and Ermengarde. Ryan takes most of the carries, but all enjoy the spotlight and want the ball near the goal line for that major score. They battle with the same tenacity as Shaun Alexander (Seattle Seahawks).

Receivers:
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Matt Russell, Jonathan Russell, Kelsey Wheatley and Rachel Ryan, otherwise known as
Cornelieus Hackl, Barnaby Tucker, Irene Malloy and Minnie Fay. Love to play with a certain “elegance”. They are young, quick, athletic and demand the ball gets thrown their way, just like
Geroy Simon (BC Lions).

Offensive linemen, defensive players and specialty personnel:

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The support cast or Hogs that provide the key blocks and tackles and behind the scenes maneuvers that allow the stars to shine. This large group of characters put on their Sunday clothes and work boots every day. When the game ends, they hop on the train and head to the buffet table at the Harmonia Gardens Restaurant.

The Yeoman had a strong regular season but the playoffs start tonight with the championship finale pushed back a day to Sunday. Is this team destined to win? The demeanour on the Owners' faces will tell you there is no other option. It’s about performance, showmanship, marketing and giving the fans one final curtain call to remember.

From the quote rack:

"It was so hot in Pittsburgh, guys were pretending to play for the Pirates just to have beer thrown on them."

NBC's Jay Leno, on the heat wave in the U.S.

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"Well, Jose Canseco is still a 40/40 man---his fastball came in at about 40 mph"

Contributor Bill Littlejohn of South Lake Tahoe, California, after a former major league slugger took the mound in a minor league all-star game.

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"Gilligan's Islanders." 

Jeff Gordon of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, with his suggestion for a  name change after the  New York Islanders fired GM Neil Smith and replaced him with goalie Garth Snow.

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"He's so old he uses Absorbine Sr."

Toronto comedian Frenchie McFarlane, after the Detroit Red Wings re-signed 44-year-old  defenceman Chris Chelios.

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"The U.S. Checkers Championship was staged last week in Medina, Ohio, with 41 players competing for $6,000 in prize money.
Tournament organizers, still tallying up the gate receipts, say it's much too early to tell whether the tournament finished in the red or in the black."

Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times 

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"They are thought to be what is left of Ricky Williams' career”.

Drew Curtis of fark.com, on human remains found in Miami near Dolphin Stadium.

And in case you missed it……..

For Sale: Hulk Hogan's 17,145-square-foot mansion is on the market in Belleair, Florida for a mere $25 million. The WWE star told the Miami Herald: “I've got to downscale. We'll head toward Miami like the Beverly Hillbillies”.

Hartley Miller is the sports director for radio stations 94X and the Wolf@97fm. He also writes for the
PG Free Press. Hartley's e-mail address is hmiller@94xfm.com

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