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Hartley Miller's Slap Shots - September 30th Edition

By 250 News

It's time to come clean, and to end the rumor mill. After careful consideration, and deep reflection, I have decided to let my name stand for Mayor. Thousands of so-called politicians have come before me, and hundreds will follow. Most of them have one thing in common-BS. Unlike my predecessors, I vow to follow through on many realistic promises. Therefore, I would like to outline my Eight Point Campaign Platform: 

1. Fitness Breaks: Everyone is aware of smoke breaks at work. You know, employees stop work, go outside, and puff on their favorite cancer stick. Well, I will institute fitness breaks, on the hour, every hour, on a rotating basis. Each business will be supplied with up-to-date Jane Fonda and/or Carmen Electra videos. The employees may have a hard time keeping up in the beginning, but it won't take long to have the yoga moves down pat. Don't laugh, the Japanese use a similar strategy in their workplaces, and it's very successful. 

2. Enforcers: Yes, I will support “Enforcers”, but not hockey. I will bring the Football Enforcers to town, and as a bonus, I will have the Ping Pong Enforcers, on the under card. Sound exciting? Even Councilor Skakun will support this one! 

3. Facilities: This region needs more facilities, and I'm not just referring to washrooms. I will endorse three new hockey rinks, expansion to the family “Y”, a football stadium and yes an Indoor Soccer/Lacrosse Center (similar to what they have in Edmonton and Calgary). Also, running enthusiasts will be happy because it's time for an Indoor Running Track. 

4. Name Change: Speaking of track, it's time to change the name of Massey Place to Masich Place. This should have been done when Tom Masich celebrated 50 years in track on his 69th birthday in May of this year. 

5. Poker: With my connections, I pledge to bring the World Series of Poker to town and with this event; there will be a “dunk the mayor” opportunity at City Hall. The Poker may even outdraw hockey, as it did in the U.S. 

6. School Venues: I can assure voters that gymnasiums will be open in the summer. Need I say more on this issue? 

7. Holidays: Voters can expect an extra civic holiday in February which will be a salute to the Mayor. 

8. Special Taxes: You've heard of the PST and the GST. I will introduce the MST; however, for this seven per cent Mayor Sales Tax, I will stand up, and offer results, and less rhetoric.

I have several supporters that have expressed an interest in serving as my campaign manager, including “Meisner”. However, I turned him down, because after all, I want to win. 

I have no political experience, but that also means I hold no political baggage. As a “straight shooter”, I promise to continue giving my constituents the real goods. 

Campaign paraphernalia is now available at Big Fat Herb's, in its new location just off Council Way on Sewer Road in the heart of the city.
If you are looking for a suit and a tie, I'm not your guy. But if you want someone prepared to put the overalls on (over top of the shorts) along with the gumboots, hardhat, steel mittens; and someone who will get the dirty work done from the grassroots; then remember as you go to the polls, IT'S MILLER FOR MAYOR.


? Talk about a quick response. Following a recent slo-pitch game near Denver which ended in a bench-clearing brawl, umpire Robert Calloway didn't have to go far for help. "I asked someone to call the police," he told Denver station KMGH-TV. "And they said, we are policemen." Apparently an opposing player punched an off-duty officer, on a team made up of off-duty cops, following a hard collision at second. Oops !

? Sports Illustrated for Kids used Sergio Garcia, who is ranked 203rd in putting on the PGA Tour,
in an article on putting pointers. According to Dan Daly of the Washington Times: "Next month in SI for Kids: Fitness tips from John Daly."

? It's the last weekend of the major league baseball regular season. Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg says:
"This is the time of year the players need to double the amount of steroids they don't know they're taking."

? From Mike Bianchi, who writes for the Orlando Sentinel, on what Officer Shaquille O'Neal screams to stop a fleeing suspect: "Stop or I'll shoot a free throw!"


And, how is your week?


--Hartley Miller is the sports director for radio stations 94X and the Wolf@97FM. He also writes for the PG Free Press, and is author of You Don't Say (Andrews-Mcmeel, 2005).

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